What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 23:57
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
All the time i was locked up.
What is the story of how you met your spouse?
I was scared of men, in general
She married twice! .
Who then, do I blame.?
How do I become a Buddhist, and can someone explain Buddhism to me?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What exactly is female squirting? Is it only urine or a combination of liquids?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
If you caught a shoplifter at your yard sale, how would you handle it?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why aren't you a Trump supporter?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why do White people love dogs more than humans?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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This is soul school!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im still living with it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He knew the spot.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
What is the best sex you have ever had (in detail)?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I will be 64.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But it wasn’t much.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
What can I do to deal with disrespectful children?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My family never makes their pension either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I don,t even have a pension.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One cannot live in the past .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was 9 years of age.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I write beautiful poetry .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So whats the point in blame.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was very sick at this time too.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why did i forgive my father ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My life is so biszare .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It was going to be , some day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I waited trembling.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We all went to grammer schools
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I said to her
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She found it foreign!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Comes on , in middle age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was seconnd youngest,
I have no regrets .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But, we were locked up after school.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Put me off passion for life!!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
(And it was in our own minds.)
So, i spoilt her more .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Would this be the day?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Especially a lifetime of it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And i lived it daily.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I never cut or harmed myself..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Ive learnt so much.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
What did i know ?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
When she asked me how she looked .
I think the readers, may guess!
We were not on the streets..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She loved him until the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She was in good health!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.